My unsuccessfully successful love story

Human heart is the funniest organs among all. It is within you but acts on its own. It is like an autonomous part of our body. It functions on it's own. It feels on it's own. It feels things that you don't want to feel. The only silver lining to this is that our heart can't control any other organs of our body. If it could, then I would have been doomed.

She along with her family moved to a house just three blocks from mine. I was 7 years old then and met her for the first time when my parents invited her family over for dinner as a way of welcoming the new neighbors. Our parents really hit it off from their first meeting itself, so it was mandatory for her and me to be friends. Her family would come to ours or we would go to theirs. The frequency for this was at least once a day.

Forced to be together, she and I started talking a bit more, sharing a bit more, being close a bit more and before we knew it, we were the best of friends. She and I were in different schools and I could not wait for the schools to be over to be with her, to share with her how my day went. It was not love. I was too much of a kid to love. It was having a close friend that I never had had before.

Time passed. Our friendship was like a fine wine, the older it was, the better it got. We would do our homework together. She would come to the playground just to see me play. We would go back home together. We were no less attached than married couples. Life was happy. We would share everything and I mean everything. Things from our favorite colored shocks to our parents fight. Speaking with her and being with her was a comfort. A comfort that signified that no matter what happens, I will have this one friend always beside me, with me.

My first face off with my heart came when I was of age 14. She shared normally to me that a guy in her school asked her out and she said yes. I didn't knew how to react. There was a pain in my chest and my stomach felt empty. Then from deep inside, I heard a sound. A sound that was getting louder and louder "DON'T GO OUT WITH THAT GUY. I AM THE GUY FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU". I was afraid that she would hear it, so I took leave from her saying I was sick and rushed back home. I couldn't eat or sleep properly that night.

During that sleepless night, when my other body parts where dormant, my heart was in the driving seat and seizing the opportunity, my heart came up with a plan, a plan to be with her, not now but eventually one day. Was it the thought of being with her eventually or what, I don't know but I liked the plan and wanted to go along with it.

The plan crafted by my heart was in motion.

According to the plan, I continued being her best friend. I didn't prefer listening to her relationship issues over the year but as a friend I had to. During her break ups I would be happy, and envy all her first dates.

The plan was to continue being her friend till college and after that confess my love for her and she would have had so many heart breaks by then that she would find comfort of a friend as the best love.

The plan continued for eight years. My heart was content during this time as it was its plan only.

College was over. She and I were still best friends. In accordance with the plan it was time to confess. "What if she didn't find comfort of a friend as a love but rather got outraged for various reasons", my mind debated.

The argument put forward by my mind was legitimate but my heart had waited for eight long years and to cease its plan at the concluding moment was not something that my heart would comply to.

There was a hostile environment inside my body. A combat between my heart and my mind was in motion. Both my heart and my mind were putting great case. My heart would reason that if I just tried then she would be mine for the rest of my life but my mind would oppose that she might get angry with me and loath me for the rest of life.

The thought that she might get so enraged that she wouldn't even be my friend scared me. Six years after that clash between my heart and my mind, the though that she wouldn't even be my friend and would not be in my life, still scares me.

These past six years have been painful and challenging. Before there was a plan and my heart was content with the plan in motion but now there is no plan and my heart is unsatisfied. Each time that I am with her, my heart wants to announce my love for her. It screams loudly. But now it's not like that first time when I had to rush home, now I know that no matter how much my heart screams, I am the only one hearing it, she won't even have a microscopic sense of it.

There are times when she jocularly says, "Lets's get married. It's high time we get married and we know each other, it would be perfect". Me and my mind knows that she is just messing with me but my heart doesn't, it jumps in joy. Oh my poor heart, you are jon snow of my body, you really know nothing. I just laugh to her joke. I know that I would never get married, it would be dishonest to my partner to be as my heart would be somewhere else, it would always be with her. I know that she will get married one day eventually, she will have kids of her own. How good it would have been if we could have had our kids but that's not a possibility. I would be content to just have her in my life. I can bear her kids calling me UNCLE but i can't even think about she not being in my life.

Drunken nights are the most difficult of times. My whole body is malfunctioning at that time and my heart sees a small window of opportunity to put ideas of calling her and confessing to her. I have dialed her number many times and even called her few times but never had to confess as my mind would come to my rescue. It terrorizes me that if on one of those drunken nights, my savior, my mind didn't came to my rescue and a big void in my life would be left by her. That thought gives me goosebumps.

People should not be greedy that is what I think of my situation with her. At least I have her in my life, at least I get to meet her everyday now, after her marriage the regularity will probably decrease to once a month and after she had given birth to her kids once a year but I would have her in my life. I don't wanna be that person who 'flew too close to the sun'.

My heart shouts , gets angry, cries many times but my poor heart though I feel for you I can't do anything for you. I am sorry, you and I both are in a situation that we don't want to be. My heart may think that it is unsuccessful that she is not mine, but I think I am a success because I have her in my life.

The content written above is know just to three individuals me, my heart and my mind. I just wanted to share it with others but I can't let others know who I am as she might find out and I don't want to risk loosing her so I put it here anonymously.